The Road Ahead [ Scene 1 , Take 2 ]

this was originally a comment, but it got too long, so i decided to make it another post...

while i seriously doubt whether the Foundation series had any such impact on me, the futures possibly something most of us think about. oh, and this is possibly the most shit-free post i have ever written... that doesnt say much, does it? its still bad ... :'(. all typed in one sitting, around an hour... of dial-up :(

Pressing Questions->
ive always had some questions abt myself which i could never answer. yes, one of them being "why do i have CAD?", but most others being reasonably serious questions... one question which noone else really seems able to answer is "what do i want to be 10 yrs from now?". now dont say 'being happy', or 'having a great big family', or 'being shit-rich'. i asked "what", not "how". the "how" question is possibly what you want as the end. "what" is the means you use to get there.

Coming to the END->
what is the "end" most ppl want to achieve? when do we come to a point to say "yes, i have achieved so-and-so end?" and when do we say "this is something i have achieved, but it is just a stepping stone to the end"? the point im tryin to make is that ppl DONT HAVE ANY IDEA what they want to do. and still they have dreams... dreams which ony one out of ten of them will ever realize. dreams which, although being satisfactory in their attainment, still dont answer the question "what do i want to be 10 yrs from now"...

How did we get here?
i kinda remember, as any kid would, the constant pestering of all the boisterous aunts, bespectacled uncles, booming-voiced great-grandfathers and pesky tenth cousins - "what will u be when u grow up, beta?". and what did you reply? doctor? lawyer? engineer? bus-driver? astronaut? what abt me? i wanted to be a pilot. when i was five. by the time i was around 10, pilot-ry seemed unfeasable. how abt the army then? me? the army? rofl, when i was around 13. then i wasnt sure what i wanted to be. i had no great love for the arts. drawing was the only subject in school, in which i almost-failed. music classes were too shitty for me to pursue a career there. besides, i didnt have an ear for music. how abt acting? speak at elocutions and debates, that i could do decently. but standing on a stage in front of a thousand ppl, wearing a stupid costume and wig, a ton of make-up on your face, making a complete fool of yourself while reciting some monologue from some long-dead leaders victory speech, who is probaly turning in his grave - was that what i wanted? hell NO. so then what was it that i wanted to do? manual labour? construction work? after all the money parents spend into a kids education, which kid would want to do that? a life of hardship, which no doubt would bring some satisfaction, but at what cost?

Other avenues...
there are loads of other professions arent there? historian, marine biologist, economist, accountants (more like auditors and company finance heads, not cashiers at some bank), journalists, political workers, blah blah... but nothing really that i wanted to do. just couldnt imagine myself sailing around in some creaky old ship (christened "the fair mermaid"), in the middle of the amazon, making a documentary about the breeding habits of amazonian-pirahnas, while at the same time trying to dodge poison darts from the half-naked natives (that live in those parts) shouting "bathaa-booga-buka"... or poring over thousands of books in a hundred different scripts just to find out the name of the twenty year old servant of the third cousin, of pharaoh ramses the two-hundredth, who tried to stage a revolution after he found no toilet-paper in the servants lavatory... so, back to square zero - engineering, doctor-bazi or lawyer-giri.

What do i choose?
i hate blood in real life. seriously. while i kinda enjoy seeing lots of it being spilt on TV or in comp games, i just hate seeing a liver pop out ( in real life) onto my hand(ugh.. a LIVER ). laywer? too close to the word "law", so what do i do? engineering... isnt it obvious? thats possibly what most ppl around me think they are doing. engineering. constructive work, isnt it, being a computer engineer? programming, removing bugs, re-programming, removing more bugs, the like... you get my point...[ i refuse to criticise elec engg :)) ]
to summarise, the GENERAL point of view - lets see, we need to earn some money. how do we earn money? by working. what do we work as? we just chose to become a part of that already-huge, but growing huger family of ENGINEERS. congratulations, my fellow-engineer... but wait... whats mister ganand saying? why am i an engineer? question answered? yes, but not quite...

The future
to know what you want in the future, look at what YOU have chosen for yourself... for the present. in future, you get a degree. wave your papers in the face of an employer, get a job. do well there, get a promotion. get more money, get a better life. attract whatever your money attracts to you, increase prestige, blah blah.... is that really what you want as an END?? you, i dont know. but me? hell no. so, what is it then that I want to do? i dont really care HOW i do it, but i want to make a difference. be responsible for SOME change, some radical idea, some fodu development. have my name all over it? i dont really care (preferably YES, but a group work will also do) , as long as I know its mine. this is abt getting satisfaction, what I want... as an END.

The Job Part->
what do you plan to do after your graduation? manual labour? why? you are one of our country's elites, the well-educated. dont you want to make your mark on the world? while at the same time earning enough to live in reasonable comfort? so, why did you join IIIT? why did you try for the IITs? why did you study for EAMCET? because you wanted to get into a good college. why is IIIT better than something-something Reddy Institute of Technology and Engineering? why did you prefer IIIT over that? because we have better facilities, we have a better pool of people (more intelligent or just more hard-working), people with possibly more potential that them, and we also have good placements. note, i aint saying we are better that ALL of them, im just talking abt the avg potential. academics aint everything, is it? but later, when youre 40 (hope i atleast live that long) how does your football-knowhow, your passion for cricket, your skill in swimming help you? keeping fit, yes,. but there are always OTHER ways. better ways... exercise. so whether or not you are good at outdoor games doesnt really affect you in the distant future. it you can play the guitar, how does it help you? if you can sing, well and good, but of what use is it in life? the ONLY reason we like the stuff we like is because we enjoy them. we dont care abt the end, we care more abt the journey there, the MEANS...

The MEANS->
probably more important part. do you care abt your end? do you know what you want to achieve? no? atleast have a broad framework to get somewhere. some place where you have an abundance of options. it easier to fall down from a height, but difficult to climb there. you probably get a running start in your career, as compared to your friends back home. so use it to the fullest. get better than what they dreamt of... step one - start your career in some GOOD place. forget the pay, forget the distance from home. spend a year getting experience. observing and learning. then go abt doing what you like... just so you have loads of options. and for business, you dont need loads of money. you dont plan to start a shop of luxury goods do you? service related companies are what most enterpreneurs are looking at.

The accounts class example...
are you really that un-crooked? has there never been a case where you havent helped a friend just so you do better than him? dont you ever aspire to be better that what other ppl possibly are? have you always helped some1 in need? just because you were human? me? i aint core-crooked. noone i know is. but in our own way, we all are not as honest as we think. and ganand, you wont start a business cos its too unethical out there? are you truly ethical? have you always been kind and benevolent? havent you ever withheld something from some1 to get an edge? you have, i guess. i know i have. its all part of the competition. all part of the game... or is it that you are just too much of a chicken to take the competition? ( i dont mean YOU, i mean ppl in general)

[ Lose Yourself - Eminem ]

Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
.
.
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lietime, Yo!

[esc]:wq[enter]
----------
"what crap i type" - Tiamath Apocalypse, Legions of the Damned.

Quote->
"the Legions have decided to adopt a NSP (No Shit policy) as far as this blog is concerned, with immediete effect... all shit goes to the other blog." - Legions spokesperson, circa 2005 AD

The (doubtful) Road Ahead

Its been a long time since I blogged. Not much due to laze, but perhaps lack of good ideas to blog on.
So heres a blog, just to blow away the cobwebs ( by an amount h, Lt h->0 , which Bad-Li will want to add).

I've been reading a little too much of the foundation series lately ( by Issac Asimov, for the uninitiated ). Every time I read it, I think all the more about my future, about why I'm here and what I'm to do IIIT. Looking at my batchmates around me, I find that every last one of them have a decent idea of what they want to be. Sir loves robots and electronics, Troll is going to be a teacher, Badri wants a plum job, Smiley just wants a job and Sica, well, shares my predicament.

Linear Algebra classes usually put me into this kind of thinking mood, half because they are boring, and half because my limited (Lt n->0 ) understanding of the subject makes me worry all the more about my future. In the last class, my half-opened eyes, just refreshed by 30 mins of slumber, began to look around at my ECE comrades. I realised that all that most of them were looking forward to was landing a plum 8 lakh opening salary. Many planned for a life in the US to earn all the money that they could ever want while any others, if at all, planned for nearly the same thing in India. Nothing wrong about thinking that way, but, dunno why, I just dont find that kind of ambitiousness inside me.

And then theres the Accounts class. The Prof's a riddle in himself. He first very cleanly convinces me that all the businessmen in the world are crooks and then tells me that I'll truly understand business only when I realise that theres nothing wrong in being a crook. One's got to cheat to be in Business, he says. No way I'll ever start my own business ( if I ever gather enough moolah in the first place).

Perhaps the reason why no job seems to appeal to me is the vicious circle that follows it. Students first work their asses off in school to get into a good college, ditto in college to land a good job, ditto in the job to secure their kids future and their kids just follow in their footsteps. I mean, where does anyone get to have any fun??

The only reason I find to ever work at all, besides sustaining my living, is my love for computers/electronics and the like. But I seriously doubt that I'd be able to find a job that'd nurture these interests of mine. I'd be stuck in a 9 to 5 job , doing something that'll sooner or later reduce to mechanical labour.

This brings me back to the original question: Why am I here / Wot am I doing here in IIIT? It certainly needs an answer, otherwise I'll never find the enthusisam or the drive to do something solid in the next 2 years at IIIT. Wonder whether, if ever, I'll find one.

Alone in the Wing

The wing looks scary and dark from the entrance.Just one light in the toilet glowing at the end of the corridor,all the lizards and nocturnal insects making the scene all the more eerie.

I am startled by the sound created by my own sandals as I walk towards my room.I feel like someone is following me."Too many suspense and thriller movies", I tell myself.I insert the key into the lock and turn it,the click probably surprises a lizard and it falls down on the ground.I am shocked, given my fear(or whatever) of lizards.It takes a minute or two for me to get my breath back.I look left and right and realise that I'm absolutely alone.Just two rooms in the adjacent wings show signs of life.

I turn my back towards the door and I find the lights glowing at the horizon.The night life is fully on in the city.But here, it is all a morbid atmosphere.It is very quiet,as a graveyard.

My thoughts drift away.The lights look like they are inviting me, or do they look like the lights of an army,ready to attack? But those lights cannot clear the darkness inside me.I have an unusual feeling.Am I depressed because I'm alone,or am I scared? I don't know.

Then I am suddenly reminded of the the little girl I met in the local train yesterday.I remember how she held out her hand to me,smiling at me.The thought of her innocent,happy little face cheers me up.I get into my room and decide to write a blog about the last 20 minutes.